So, I posted about the shoes, I posted about THE SHOES, and now let me talk about the rest of it. Since, I’m going to stay home instead of spending the day learning to cook in FL, it seems like a fine thing to do. You guys have read about some attitude changes that I have been experiencing. Well, no you haven’t. You’ve read about the make-up purchases and such as this, but I’ve been loathe to talk about what’s been going on in my head. I think maybe it’s time to do so, in a semi-serious manner. For many, many years, more years than I really care to admit, but we’ll say more than a decade, I have let myself go. Umm, no, let me put that a different way: I’ve not taken care of myself. I’ve pushed my needs consistently to the back burner.
For a while, it was because we lacked finances to get what everyone needed, and the kids came first. DH came next, because he worked outside the home. Since I stayed home, I didn’t really “need” stuff. After all, I had clothes and they “would do”. I had make-up, and it “would do”. And I could make them both last by not wearing make-up unless I was going out, and by wearing whatever I could find at home, saving my real clothes for going out, too. It was a system, and it worked, however poorly. Then I lost quite a bit of weight, as I detailed more or less while it was happening, and my clothes started looking pretty bad on me, to the point that even my mom commented on it, bought me a few things, and suggested I might need to go do a bit of shopping. I felt like exactly what I had become: a frumpy, anything will do, I’m not special person.
Now, I had purchased a few pieces earlier this summer, some stylish new tees, and some pants, because my old ones were falling off. When I would wear those clothes, I felt different. I felt worthy. I felt like I mattered. Not so much to other people, but that I finally mattered to myself. And then Alli made a post on her blog, and I realized what had been happening with me, and that my not paying attention to myself was both a cause and a symptom of my depression. The two sides of the thing were feeding each other, and I was in the middle.
I realized some other things, too. I’ll be forty this year. (No, silly that’s not what I realized, it’s just a lead in, and explanation if you will.) My life is half over. If I am ever going to do things for myself, I need to do them NOW, while I can enjoy them. If I am ever going to read again, now is the time. If I am going to have fun, I need to do it NOW, lest I even forget how. If it’s ever going to be about me at all, it’s time. I can still be a mom and still be a wife, and take some time and resources for me.
And what I found out was pretty amazing. When I put my makeup on, I feel better about myself. When I dress in clothes that fit and look good, I feel ready to take on the day. When I look good, I feel good, and when I feel good, I am a better wife, I am a better mother, I am a better me. I am myself again, not just an appendage. So that’s the story behind what may seem like some pretty frivolous and extreme purchases. Ten year old shoes, make-up and clothes need to go, because we can afford to replace them now. There was a time for sacrifice, and I did. But I don’t have to do so right now, and because I finally realize I’m worth it, I’m not going to. Because when it’s all about me, it’s all about everyone else I come into contact with, too.
I’m confident, I’m capable, and I’m creative. I’m Cass, and it’s a real pleasure to meet you.