Man, am I just a little bit aggravated here. I guess it never occurred to DH that when I quit using the checking account, I could no longer do any shopping unless he gave me cash. Which he did not bring me any of. On the weekend before Christmas. Whatever. I’m just a little frustrated that whatever doesn’t get done will be laid squarely at my feet, not necessarily by him, but certainly by everyone else.

I worked my tail off today to get the last of the house cleaned so we could finally put up the tree, sat down in the recliner, not to relax but rather to work and plan what I needed to pick up this weekend, only to find out that I can stop planning my shopping right this instant. Umm, yay. I guess. Also, to get fussed at for not discussing things with him. In all the time that I was home I guess, because the date for Christmas fluctuates from year to year, and so it has to be ironed out afresh each December. Ummm-hmmm.

Well, at least my hair dresser can take paypal. I’m finally getting my hair cut that I desperately needed last week. As for the shopping, DH says Monday is soon enough to get that handled. I’ll let you all know how that works out for him.

It’s all about who? Me! That’s right! I’m beginning to think about the changes I want to make in the coming year. Like most people, I tend to get reflective at the end of the year, and can I just say that this one has absolutely FLOWN by? I don’t know where you guys are, but I am still somewhere in May or June. It certainly canNOT be the end of December already. No way. Sigh.

Several years ago, I quit making resolutions, because I found that they set me up for failure. Resolutions are so black and white, go or no go, you either do or do not do them. What if I resolve to read a chapter of the Bible every day, and then I get sick, and sleep the clock around, or one of my kids is life-flighted to the hospital, and I lose track of time and midnight creeps past me unnoticed? What if I decide to ride one of those exercise bikes 4 days per week, but I go on vacation and there is no bike there, but only a treadmill? Both of those scenarios lead to a failure to keep your resolution and neither of them is your fault. Now, if you resolve to eat a more balanced diet, and then sit down and eat an entire bag of oreos, that’s on you, okay?

Goals on the other hand, work so much much better for me. If my goal is to read a chapter a day, and I miss an occasional day, I can still look back and say I made substantial progress. Same with the bike and most other things we set ourselves up to accomplish. Sorry, still can’t think of a justification for the bag of oreos.

Another thing that sets me up for failure is that I am compelled to track stuff. Did I do it today? I have a real issue with scheduling and list making and checking stuff off. My very best friend in the entire world at the time looked at me one day and said, “You are so anal”. And I looked right back at her and said, “I know”. I am what I am and there is no denying it, so whatever I decide to work on, I need a simple method of scheduling it and keeping track of it, or I am going to get totally frustrated. Hehe, a side effect of being 40 is that you’ve come to know yourself just a little bit *grin*.

I think over the coming days, I will be doing a series of posts on my goals for the year in various areas. I think I sorta started on that back in spring or summer, but I got sidetracked by the freight train that became my life. You know, that’s another difference between goals and resolutions: goals can be changed to reflect the current circumstances, but resolutions are permanent. I know I want to set some financial and physical goals, along with schooling, health, house and crafting. Umm, I think it would be a good idea to concentrate on relaxing and recreation and family as well. That will certainly get me started. The very first thing I plan to do is get a calendar and use it to do some broad planning. Tell me, what are you planning to do in 2008?

How do you follow up an obituary? I didn’t realize when I posted it that it would be so hard to put up another post after it. How do I push such an important part of my life off the front page? And I guess I do that by doing what Grandmother did all her life as long as she was able: roll up my sleeves, get back to work and do the next thing.

The wake was incredible. We knew Grandmother was well liked and respected, but you never truly know all the lives they touch. Grandmother loved large and wide, casting a net of good over 3 counties, and it showed in the people who flowed in and out of that mortuary. Pretty impressive for a woman who never drove anything except a tractor. A woman who had far outlived all her contemporaries.

The funeral was also full, and the eulogy was fitting except that the preacher (who always called Grandmother “Mrs Chauncey” in life), mispronounced her first name the first few times he said it, causing the entire family to startle the first time, and writhe in embarrassed agony after that. He finally said it correctly, and then proceeded to call her Mrs. Chauncey for the rest of the service. Just so you aren’t left in suspense, it’s pronounced “Merle”.

We chose to celebrate life, instead of mourning death, and though I did cry a bit, I realized those were selfish tears, that they were for me and not for her, and I would imagine her up in heaven, smiling that wonderful smile, and it was okay. I did indeed have to go back into the house and grab her photograph to take with me in the van to the services, and that was ok, too. My Grandmother was such an incredibly large part of my life for so very long, it would be impossible to not feel sad at her passing. The truth is that I lost my Grandmother quite awhile ago.

Although the casket was closed for the services, the family was allowed to view her body. It was obvious from her face that she had indeed had a stoke as my mother had surmised last November. What we could not pinpoint in life was very obvious in death. Both sides of her face looked “normal”, but they did not match. And the final proof for me, if I needed it, that my Grandmother was NOT in that box was in her hands. All my life, Grandmother had skin that bruised if you looked at it wrong. She always said “be careful of my legs, I’ll get a place if you bump it”. She called them “places” because … well, I don’t know because, but she did. So, in life the backs of her hands were always mottled with big ugly purple and red splotchy “places”. In death, they were white. Not my Grandmother’s hands at all.

But she wore a fine red dress.
~~~~

And now, I have climbed back onto the blogging wagon, and I must work, because there is work to be done. I cannot think of any logical way to mention truck bed liner in the body of this post, so here it is, tacked onto the end like pure tackiness itself.

Muriel Jones Chauncey, 96, of Clarkton, NC, passed away on December 15, 2007. Born January 31, 1911, she was the oldest daughter of Shady E. and Nellie Booth Jones. She was predeceased by husbands, Bill (1935) and Russell (1988); sons, infant (1935), William (1952) and Lloyd (1993); also siblings, Eppie Jones, S.E. Jones, Mary J. Duncan, Leona J. Smith and Lanie J. Jackson.

She is survived by a son, Fred (Leah) Chauncey of Raleigh; and a daughter, Nellie (Bill) Martin of Leland. Also surviving are grandchildren, Bill (Lois) Chauncey, Steve (Lynna) Chauncey, Sarah (Johny) Thompson, Denise (Patrick) Darrow, Christine (Namon) Baits; and daughter-in-law, Jessie (Jim) Dobson; and 21 great grandchildren.

Muriel was a Gold Star Mother, loved her Lord, and was a faithful member of Western Prong Baptist Church since 1956, until her failing health prohibited her from attending. For many, many years she stayed in the infant nursery during Sunday School and Vacation Bible School.

Visitation will be at McKenzie’s Mortuary in Whiteville from 7 - 8:30 p.m. on Monday, December 17, 2007. Funeral services will be at Western Prong Baptist Church December 18, 2007, at 2 p.m. led by Rev. Willie McLawhorn. Burial will follow in Flynn Cemetery. At other times the family will be at her residence.

Active pallbearers are Bernard Baldwin, Carlton Boswell, Milton Bullard, Billy Creech, Wayne Creech, and Michael Hinson. Honorary pallbearers are Harold Bright, Joe Chauncey, David Duncan, Bobby Smith, Tim Tart and Kennie Watts.

As long as Muriel was able, she lived her life helping others and was most happy when doing so.

Memorial Contributions may be made to the American Cancer Society, 930-B Wellness Dr., Greenville, NC 27834, National Kidney Foundation of NC, 5950 Fairview Rd Ste 550, Charlotte, NC 28210-2102.

‘In God’s love He gives life and in His mercy, He takes life.’
McKenzie Mortuary, Whiteville.

ETA: Photo from 2002

I saw Grandmother again last night. The change from Wednesday night was marked. Her color was different, and she has lost so much weight. She has a fever now. It just breaks my heart.

My clothes are packed. I should pack my face bag and then…I think I will clean some more.

Grandmother’s hands are no longer swollen. For the first time in well over a year, they look normal, except for the exquisite frailness. Already they look lifeless, clenched tightly around nothing, but they are of normal size again. When I saw them last night, I thought of all the things those hands had done for me.

Grandmother sewed clothes for me until I was 10 or 12. She painstakingly sewed Barbie clothes for my Barbies, incredibly detailed. She made quilts for my dolls. She made quilts for my first 6 children. And the stitching in the last one is hideously horrible and crooked and I think I love it the best because she tried so hard and it was the last thing she ever sewed, a quilt for my 6th born child.

She made food: fried chicken, pecan pie, cakes, biscuits. I can still remember the smell her ancient kitchen aid mixer made when she used it. Yes, I said smell. It’s ok, not a mistake. Little green lima beans. Grits, with bacon crumbled up in them, that I ate while I watched Saturday morning cartoons.

No one else ever loved me like that. And I sit and cry and wait, and think. She kissed me not long ago. An act so unexpected, it took me awhile to realize what had happened. I leaned over to hug her before I left, though she had long since stopped responding to hugs, and she kissed my cheek. A final benediction.

not good news. Sometimes it’s just postponing the inevitable. All Grandmother’s meds have been discontinued, they are no longer even offering them to her. They willl continue to monitor her for anything she may need PRN.

Now, then. My dear, patient, kind, loving and generous friend (can you tell I am a suck-up because I have been a slacker?) Skeet tagged me for the desktop meme a couple of weeks ago. The sad sorry thing about this is that I VOLUNTEERED for the meme ya’ll. Truly I suck. Actually, I looked at the date. It’s been way over “a couple of weeks”. It has, in fact, been almost a month. Suck does not begin to describe. I should run away to a Vegas hotel just to put you all out of my misery.

SO with no further delay, because Lord knows, 3.5 weeks in enough already, here is what my desktop looked like last night:

Now, when I realized I was going to have to post that picture, I was mortified. The desktop had indeed gotten a leetle beet messy. And, so being the compulsive organizer that you have all come to know and love…………..

Yeah, Sam looks at me longingly all day now. I’m a lucky woman, and you just wish you were cool like me.

I am tired. I cleaned today for several hours and I will be cleaning again tomorrow and probably every day this week, until I can’t clean anymore. I had thought right up until I started this post that I was cleaning because the house needs cleaning, and while it is very, very true that the house needs some attention, the truer truth is that I need some serious distraction.

I have posted so many times about my Grandmother, and I have never been able to put into words all I have in my mind and heart. that has not changed. I still won’t be able to do that, but I shall soon have to say something, I think. Grandmother is not doing well at all. She hasn’t had an actual meal in over a week, nor has she taken her medicine. Last night, she took in 10cc’s in 12 hours, and while she did tell the nurse she was hungry today, I am not counting that as a good sign.

And so, I am at home, telling myself I am doing something useful, and trying to forget what is really going on in my life right now. First thing this morning, I scheduled the Cub Scout caroling party, and then the catering for the church Christmas Banquet. And we have indeed changed it to a fully catered event, because it’s probable that I will not even attend this party that I have planned, and so we are going with full service instead of the “just the food” we had planned.

All my outside responsibilities are handled to the point I can hand them off, and now I shall clean. And wait.