So this is not the post I thought I was going to write tonight. I thought I would be telling you about all the stuff I did today, and I did indeed do dishes and laundry and blow bubbles and put buttons on a sweater and open my package from Amazon. And that package is what I want to talk about tonight.

I have found through the years that God has a way of bringing synergy into my life. A word from a friend here, a realization in my spirit there, a third piece of information from somewhere that clearly points in a direction I am meant to pursue.

For some time, I have been struggling with the things that have happened to me in my life, and how to deal with those things as the ramifications of them rear their heads in my today life. I’ve come to see that this is my time to own my own personal truths, to explore where I have been and where I am going, and how I plan to get there. That was the realization in my spirit: it is time.

Last week, when I met with my friend, she told me about a book she had once started, The Artist’s Way. She said it was life changing and that she’d like to get back to it. And I said I would order it and I did and it came today, as you know. That was the word from a friend.

The third thing, the piece of information, has come from several sources. It came from my daughter, and then my friend, and then my other friend, and then two more friends and then my cousin saying “you can write”.

And so, here I am with word, and information and tool, and I am going to do this thing for myself. I am as excited about it as I was about my life list. Today, I just read the introduction. There were several quotes in it, but these three showed me that I was on to something that could really help me: mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. — Anne-Wilson Schaef

Yes, it is time to embrace it, pain and joy, and use it to help myself and others. It is time to be ME. And to all those who would tell me to shut up, “shut up”. Someone told me today that they had been second their whole life, and I said “I know, I have too. But it is time for us to be FIRST.” That means admitting the truth of where I am, because the thing about trying to hide it is that you end up lying to yourself, and if you can’t trust your own self to tell you the truth, who the heck are you gonna trust?

The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order…the continuous thread of revelation.—Eudora Welty

This is true for me, as I am sure it is with a lot of you. I am in an intense period of personal revelation just now. I’m finally ready to say something out loud: I was abused. I am a survivor. And it was not my fault. That right there is a very empowering statement, folks. And while I am a survivor, abuse does carry some consequences. Those events loom large in my personal memory arsenal. They far outweigh other events that should be just as significant. It is time to work through all that garbage and put it in it’s rightful perspective. Some people won’t like that. I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to protect me, it’s time for me to be first, and I’m going to do that. Ms. Cameron promises right from the outset that this 12 week program will bring up some painful stuff. I believe her. And I am committing anyway. I am worth it.

It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living.—Simone de Beauvoir

Exactly.

Hi, my name is Cass and I am ready. I might also be looking for laptop insurance, because there’s gonna be a whole lot of blogging going on. And also, a journal, because I need to do my morning pages.