So, it’s been three weeks, exactly, since I posted here. That’s a long quiet time, isn’t it? It is for me at any rate. But I have stories to tell now, and so I shall.
I posted a few minutes ago over on my knitting blog about some stuff that happened this past weekend. It got me thinking about where and how I live, and wondering if maybe a call to a Charleston realtor might not be in order. I’m thinking a more peaceful place might suit me better than my current place, and if I had the financial wherewithal to do it, I’d probably already be packing. It boiled down to this: I heard a hummingbird for the very first time this past weekend. HEARD it. For the FIRST time. It was a very profound experience for me. I sat there in amazement at the noise, and folks, it took me awhile to figure out where it was coming from, though the bird was only about three feet away from my face. And then I sat there in amazement that I had never heard it before. And then, I started listening to the other sounds around me and realizing that there is just an awful lot of stuff I have never seen and never done and never heard.
Do you know what else I heard recently? An alligator. And something else that I can’t remember what That One called. See, I have lived inside all my life. I actually thought nature was quiet until recently. I mean, whodda thunk an alligator actually made a noise to call her babies to her? Yeah.
So, pretending to insert a great segue here because there isn’t one, but it all flows together in my mind, I was talking to my friend Ang. this morning about The Artist’s Way and what a wonderful thing it has been for me, and my life is really changing at a phenomenal rate, but I am not actually creating anything, and she said something really profound. She said, “you are healing, Cass, you are making you.” And I thought about that thing for about 1.75 seconds and I realized she was right.
When I was growing up, I tried to be who my parents wanted me to be. And when I got married for the first time, I tried to be who my first husband wanted me to be. And then, when I got married again, I tried to be who he wanted me to be. And then I spent many years trying to be who my kids needed me to be. I’m single now, and while my kids still need me, they are growing up fast and don’t need me in quite the same ways anymore. So, here I am exploring the world and finding out what my own likes and dislikes are. And I am discovering that I am not necessarily who I thought I was. Or rather that I am interested in things I never thought would appeal to me and that the things I thought would keep me enthralled are just not as pleasing as I always figured they would be.
And I am learning to say yes to that weirdness and not make myself live in the box that doesn’t quite fit anymore. And if that means less “making” and more “doing”, so be it. That’s the one major thing I have learned from TAW, I guess: whatever my current passion is, follow it, explore it, see where it goes. If it leads to a short infatuation with waves and surfboards, or speed and heights, so be it. If it leads to a lifetime love of ground based outdoor leisure activities, then so be it. You know the Bible says God gives us the desires of our hearts. There are two ways to take that. One, God is a big ol’ SugarDaddy and whatever we dream of, He will hand it to us on a silver platter. Or two, He plants wants and desires in our hearts and then it is up to us to follow or ignore them. Right now, I’m choosing to follow. And if I am able to find God again, outside, where I never expected Him to be, so much the better. Lord knows, I am fed up with the fake people who profess to follow Him inside.