Back in April, I was sitting in my Positive Psych class, and my instructor was talking about how he motivates himself. Â In addition to practicing and teaching, he is also a surfer. Â He said that when it is early in the morning, and he just wants to sleep in instead of heading to the beach, he engages in some self talk. Â He asks himself, “Are you a surfer?” Â And the answer, of course, is “Yes.” Â So then he tells himself, “Well, surfers surf.” Â And then he gets out of bed and goes surfing before heading to his office or classroom.
So, I spent some time thinking about that. Â Like, a lot. I thought about how I say I am many things, or want to learn about many things, or want to try many things, but I don’t do/learn about/try them. Â I’ve been writing a list of identities since then. Â I planned to spend time this summer exploring and/or developing these skill sets. Â And I am doing that, at least partially. Â I haven’t gotten to all of them, and it is unlikely that I will be able to get to all of them over this summer. Â But I have a master plan, an idea that guides my days, see.
So, to answer the question you haven’t ask, and probably don’t give two shits about, I am a:
writer, teacher, thinker, parent, student, homemaker, lover, meditator, reader, healthy eater, exerciser, flow Â enthusiast, philosopher, counselor, crafter, minimalist, journaler, linguist, historian, music enthusiast, guitarist, chess player, camper, fisher, knitter, marksman, photographer, baker, chef, rose aficionado, flower gardener, wine connoisseur, sketch artist, painter, scrapbooker, bath taker, game player, Â smart money manager, mentor, tutor, daughter, volunteer, self-sufficient person who is fit.
So all this seemingly random stuff I am doing, it isn’t random. Â I have a plan. Â I’ve had a plan since mid-April.
And I guess I am mostly writing this post to justify how I spend my time these days, days when I have no school and seemingly few responsibilities. Â Days where I must sit around and eat bonbons and watch soap operas. Â Except I don’t like coconut. Â Or tv. Â Just because I can’t hold a “this” in my hand and say “this is what I did,” doesn’t mean I am not doing things.
As an aside, this reminds me of the joke about the husband who comes home and asks his wife what she did all day. Â It’s one of the reasons I don’t want to get married, or possibly even live with someone, again– because I hate justifying myself. Â I hate accounting for my time. Â If I want to spend three days in the same pajamas without showering or combing my hair, catching 15 minute naps at my desk because I am absolutely ON FIRE over something, and I cannot walk away until I have sated myself or spent that passion out, I want that to be okay. Â I want the privilege of living the life I want to live in my own space.
You call it “aimless free time.” Â I call it “working sabbatical.” Â It is a complete update on my external and internal environments. Â It’s a re-arranging of my physical, spiritual, emotional self. Â And if other people can’t see it, I’m okay with that. Â Because I know. Â I know I am actually busy here.