U is for Unused Journal


So, that’s the last day that I journaled with regularity. In fact, it is the last day that I was able to write at all until 3am last Friday morning. So this is what I have learned from that:

  1. I still self-censor. If I don’t think I am going to like what I have to say, then I just don’t say it. I stop journaling, because it might slip out and then I will have to deal with it. I totally dislike negative emotion. I need to stop that, because I need to learn to sit with it until I see that it is just as temporary as positive emotion.
  2. I can’t write creatively when I am in an unhappy place. I know this is true because I was banging out good work right up until this day as well. That might be because I am so busy ignoring my self that nothing can get through. Because that email I wrote? Objectively one of the most powerful things I have ever written. Very difficult, not something I wanted to do, but very cathartic as well. In some ways it was a return to normalcy, because I was finally able to string multiple coherent sentences together again.

Which leaves us with the burning question: if I force myself to journal even when I feel devastated, would it end the blockages in my creativity? Because that compounds any losses I have–I lose what I have lost AND I lose the ability to express myself. The writing is probably the biggest part of that, but it’s worth noting that I also haven’t knit, or drawn, or meditated more than a time or two. In short, I haven’t done anything that would force me to look into myself for….six weeks. Damn. When I put it like that, there really isn’t anything else to say, is there?

Perhaps I need to look into banner printing online. I could order one that says “Jounal, Girlie.” It’s not worth losing six weeks of productivity because I don’t want to hear what I have to say.