1. Have in my yard at least one of each of the following plants: hydrangea, peony, lantana, butterfly bush, hibiscus, mandevilla, lilac, mimosa and that thing that blooms in little balls, I think it’s called a fuschia. These will most likely be in containers, because I have sand for dirt, and also because of an item that occurs further down on the list at #13.
hydrangea June 17, 2010 lantana July 21, 2010

2. Make 100 pretty things, and to do this over and over until I die or cannot see.
July 2010 1. BSJ 2. Insatiable Hat
August 2010

3. Try 100 500 fruits. I basically lifted this one right from Mighty Girl, only she said 1000. Except that I am not sure there really are 1,000 fruits, at least not that I can buy within a 100 mile radius. I suppose I could say 500 and just look for the ones she finds, right? Okay, 500.

4. Read 1,000 books. Cookbooks and pattern books don’t count.
July 2010 1. Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey by Audrey Niffenegger 2. Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman 3. Dear John by Nicholas Sparks 4. Time of My Life by Allison Winn Scotch
August 2010 5. Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

5. Publish 3 magazine articles.

6. See the Grand Canyon in person.

7. Drive fast, really fast, like about 120, just one more time.

8. Take a bus trip across the US. Going in the truck would be an acceptable substitute, provided it’s coast to coast.

9. Go to Scotland.

10. Complete my genealogy, as far as I can using the resources I have without spending a buttload of money or joining ancestry.com.

11. Do five really scary things with That One, and by this I mean that if he suggests something, I purpose to say yes instead of “no, I’m afraid”. And I might suggest a couple, too. 11a: Snowboarding, but going skiiing first 11b: lean off a building 11c: spend the night in the morgue under the sanitarium, sleep optional

12. Catch a baby, and it has to be human to count.

13. Move to the farm.

14. Own, at one time, 40 pairs of kickass heels. No, I mean really kickass.

15. Own, at one time, 10 dress hats.

16. Own, at one time, 15 really cool handbags. I get to define “really cool”, but color, texture and style all come into play. As does my sheer love of it.

17. Own and agility train an Australian Shepherd.

18. Visit 15 vineyards.

19. Write a book, publishing doesn’t matter, just the writing.

20. Dye 100 beautiful yarns, that is create 100 appealing colorways, but I can repeat colorways I already developed that I still love.

21. Be financially able to quit my day job.

22. Get a degree of some sort.

23. Memorize 10 personally significant passages of scripture. I can start with Proverbs 31 and I Corinthians 13.

24. Sing the Star Spangled Banner in public. Not an “interpretation” like so many people do today, but actually sing it.

25. Learn to play a musical instrument.

26. Blow bubbles with DaBaby and Drama while it still fascinates them June 2010

27. Rebuild my kitchen, doing part of the work myself

28. Paint the inside of my house

29. Buy the fluffer phone June 2010

30. Go to the park and play by myself

31. Buy myself flowers

32. Buy myself pearls

33. Go blonde, just once

34. Go silver/grey/white just once

35. Do the the thing I said I would do when pigs fly. This is the scariest item on my list.

36. Get laser treatments for my face

37. Subscribe to Cosmopolitan

38. Wear, in public, fishnet hose at least once. Also, seam up the backs.

39. Develop my film pictures

40. Print my digital pictures

41. Scrapbook my pictures

42. Put together my puzzles

43. Learn how to take an hour long bath again

44. Play chess with That One

45. Beat him

46. Teach all of my children to play chess and beat me

47. Get a poem published

48. Get a spiral piercing

49. Visit all 13 original colonies

50. Visit 5 foreign countries, which I have not visited before, not contiguous to the US

51. Spend a month in Europe

52. Spend six months not in the US

53. Spend a year not in the US

54. Relearn French, Italian and German, all by immersion

55. Learn to speak one of the languages That One speaks, that the kids don’t know, so we no longer have to communicate via military shorthand, even though that’s kind of fun

56. Learn to fire a handgun with reasonable accuracy

57. learn to shag, salsa and samba, charleston and jitterbug

58. Visit Ang. several times

59. Watch 500 movies
July 2010 1. Monty Python’s Holy Grail 2. Apocolypto 3. Secret of Roan Inish 4.Percy Jackson and the Olympians The Lightning ThiefAugust 2010 5. Dr. Doolittle (original)

60. Visit all 7 continents

61. Be able to trust people again

62. Have sex in the rain

63. And on a trampoline

64. And on the beach

65. Take a walk on the river front, holding hands and talking

66. Camp at 15 state or national parks or forest

67. Go hunting–kill it, skin it, dress it, cook it, eat it

68. Go fishing alone, all day

69. Take a walk on the beach at night, marvel at the sound of the waves, the sight of the stars and the feel of the sand under my feet and stop to kiss under the pier

70. Go to a theme park

71. Find a mentor

72. Be a mentor

73. Find out why I don’t remember stuff

74. Camp with nothing but a sleeping bag

75. Learn to operate a gas grill without being afraid of it

76. Have my entire house clean at one time, just once, before the kids leave home

77. Get rid of the possessions I have that serve only to bring me pain or remind me of loss

78. Have chickens

79. And goats

80. And sheep

81. Spin yarn from my own animals

82. Make one fibery garment from shearing to wearing

83. Start and continue the tradition of a big ass annual party at my house, on or around June 3rd

84. Visit an adult store by myself, to satisfy my curiosity, refuse to be embarrassed, and buy the biggest toy there just for the shock value. I’ve been told I need an escort for this one, so it won’t be alone. Apparently the toy stores here in the US aren’t as safe as the ones in Germany were 20 some years ago, when I was too embarrassed to look.

85. Knit hats for Shirley and Angie, because I said I would and they think I have forgottenFinished Shirley’s on the truck in July 2010

86. Tackle lace and win

87. Bowl a 300 game

88. Post this list on my blog, in it’s entirety with the exception of one item, despite those who will be scandalized by it or ridicule itDone June 16, 2010, and I even coded the one item

89. Make a collage frame of my kids and hang it in my bedroom

90. Go around the world

91. Get an eye exam and new glasses

92. Get a physical and address my health issues

93. Test drive a sports car with no intention of buying it

94. Tour a million dollar home with no intention of buying it

95. Lean my head into a milking cow one more time, just to breathe in the smell of her

96. Take a picture every day and then tell it’s story

97. Ride a horse…in Montana or some other wide open place that looks like a Marlboro commercial

98. Present those hats personally

99. Have hair down to my waist

100. Perform at a club on amateur night

101. Go to a ballet

102. Go to an opera

103. Take 500 pictures of hands
12 pictures of 14 hands published on July 13, 2010

104. Build a firepit in my backyard

105. Scrapbook the life list

106. Work through a few Bible reading plans

107. Work through the history curriculum of Ambleside Online

108. Complete Year 7 of Ambleside Online

That One’s list for me: go to a male revue, go to a female impersonator show, shower under a waterfall, go snow sledding, zipline

Do I really need words here? How about….it sure is nice to end my blogging session on a happy note?

So, the kids play ball now. And that means practices. And that means extra reading time. This is how I spent the freezing evening of the 16th: in my car, prepping a Schwan’s order and reading girlie magazines. Fun times!

Unfortunately, I am all set up to blog here, and can’t find my pictures. I am sure I took them, but……they aren’t on the old phone, the new phone or the card in my camera. I suck. Sorry.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of things. One of the pitfalls of depression is that everything just slides out of control on you, because you are overwhelmed with all that needs to happen. The tendency is to retreat, retreat, retreat. And that’s pretty much what I have done for the past couple of years.

Another thing that happens with depression, is that it gets harder to pick out your own true motivations. Recently, I realized that although the depression is lifting, I am still holding on to some rather bad habits, and I set about to explore in my own mind *why*. I mean, while it is true that I am as lazy as the next person, I am generally able to identify a job, make a plan of attack and see it through to the end, but that just wasn’t happening. I looked at my kids and I looked at the house, and I thought that both of them needed some serious reigning in, and why am I not doing that?

What I realized is kinda funny, not in a haha way, but just in a “my mind is weird way”. I am was using the messy house and unruly children as a barrier between myself and what comes next. See, I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone. If you look back to the posts I was writing as my marriage was falling apart, it should be fairly obvious that I still believe in love, I still believe in happily ever after, still believe in forever. But I am soooo not ready for any of that stuff yet. Just. Not. Ready. to be so involved with anyone that they have the power to tear me apart.

Now, I knew that in order to invite a man to be part of my life in any meaningful way, I had to be on my game. Life needed to be in some reasonable kind of order. I mean, life will always be somewhat chaotic with this many children, but chaos needs to be contained. A house that is chronically messy and children who do not listen and take me seriously the first time I speak are pretty good man deterrents, right? And I knew that, have known that for awhile. And yet, I could not make myself bring those areas under control.

But living in a mess undermines everything I need to teach my children about going on with life, and how to take pride in themselves and take care of business. And allowing them to not listen and set their own standards of behavior teaches them that there is no higher authority than their own wicked desires. I’m not bashing my kids here, the Bible tells us that the heart of man is desperately wicked and who can know it. It also tells us that even a child is known by his doings, whether they be good and right. So, here I was, working at cross-purposes to my own life goals: healthy, well adjusted children and a home we can all be comfortable in.

All that is fairly normal, but here was the breakthrough moment: I can get the house under control, and I can spend time with my children, teaching them about loving authority and I can still say I’m just not ready. I just don’t trust myself or anyone else enough right now to move any further in relationships than I already have. This is the very edge of my comfort zone, and I can’t move from here. And I hope that’s ok with you (that’s a general and hypothetical you) because this is where I am, and I am likely to be here for awhile. I can use my mouth to protect myself instead of subverting myself through inaction.

Now, I knew better than to set myself up for failure by tackling the whole house at once. This is going to be about building new habits and creating a new normal for me and the children. One of the main areas of downfall for me was the dishes. That is my job, but I would put it off until it became a major chore, instead of doing them right after supper. And of course, when I did that, everyone else left the kitchen, too and so no one except the designated cook was actually doing their kitchen job. So, on the 6th, after hashing out all this mental stuff with my bossfriend, I came home and washed my dishes. All of them. And I have done the dishes every night since then. Even the day I left half my intestines in the bathroom. Even the day I had to go to court and ended up with a migraine so bad I couldn’t drive. Even the nights I had scouts. Even the nights we had ball practices. Every night for 11 nights so far.

That means I am halfway to the new and improved habit of normalized kitchen maintenance. I am figuring that we as a family will continue to just relearn proper kitchen-ing through the month of March. In April, we’ll continue with our kitchen skills and I will pick another room to relearn for all of us. It will probably take me a year to feel like I have a handle on everything, at least. And if, at the end of that year, I am still not ready to move on to whatever is next, I can still say “I’m not ready”. And that will be ok, cause I will be saying it with an under-control house and wonderful children. It’ll be like mental Fastin, eliminating one self defeating behavior at a time.

But anyway, black suit, worn by That One, being pinned by tailor, looking mighty fine. But I really, really wanted that picture!