I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a lot of things. One of the pitfalls of depression is that everything just slides out of control on you, because you are overwhelmed with all that needs to happen. The tendency is to retreat, retreat, retreat. And that’s pretty much what I have done for the past couple of years.

Another thing that happens with depression, is that it gets harder to pick out your own true motivations. Recently, I realized that although the depression is lifting, I am still holding on to some rather bad habits, and I set about to explore in my own mind *why*. I mean, while it is true that I am as lazy as the next person, I am generally able to identify a job, make a plan of attack and see it through to the end, but that just wasn’t happening. I looked at my kids and I looked at the house, and I thought that both of them needed some serious reigning in, and why am I not doing that?

What I realized is kinda funny, not in a haha way, but just in a “my mind is weird way”. I am was using the messy house and unruly children as a barrier between myself and what comes next. See, I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone. If you look back to the posts I was writing as my marriage was falling apart, it should be fairly obvious that I still believe in love, I still believe in happily ever after, still believe in forever. But I am soooo not ready for any of that stuff yet. Just. Not. Ready. to be so involved with anyone that they have the power to tear me apart.

Now, I knew that in order to invite a man to be part of my life in any meaningful way, I had to be on my game. Life needed to be in some reasonable kind of order. I mean, life will always be somewhat chaotic with this many children, but chaos needs to be contained. A house that is chronically messy and children who do not listen and take me seriously the first time I speak are pretty good man deterrents, right? And I knew that, have known that for awhile. And yet, I could not make myself bring those areas under control.

But living in a mess undermines everything I need to teach my children about going on with life, and how to take pride in themselves and take care of business. And allowing them to not listen and set their own standards of behavior teaches them that there is no higher authority than their own wicked desires. I’m not bashing my kids here, the Bible tells us that the heart of man is desperately wicked and who can know it. It also tells us that even a child is known by his doings, whether they be good and right. So, here I was, working at cross-purposes to my own life goals: healthy, well adjusted children and a home we can all be comfortable in.

All that is fairly normal, but here was the breakthrough moment: I can get the house under control, and I can spend time with my children, teaching them about loving authority and I can still say I’m just not ready. I just don’t trust myself or anyone else enough right now to move any further in relationships than I already have. This is the very edge of my comfort zone, and I can’t move from here. And I hope that’s ok with you (that’s a general and hypothetical you) because this is where I am, and I am likely to be here for awhile. I can use my mouth to protect myself instead of subverting myself through inaction.

Now, I knew better than to set myself up for failure by tackling the whole house at once. This is going to be about building new habits and creating a new normal for me and the children. One of the main areas of downfall for me was the dishes. That is my job, but I would put it off until it became a major chore, instead of doing them right after supper. And of course, when I did that, everyone else left the kitchen, too and so no one except the designated cook was actually doing their kitchen job. So, on the 6th, after hashing out all this mental stuff with my bossfriend, I came home and washed my dishes. All of them. And I have done the dishes every night since then. Even the day I left half my intestines in the bathroom. Even the day I had to go to court and ended up with a migraine so bad I couldn’t drive. Even the nights I had scouts. Even the nights we had ball practices. Every night for 11 nights so far.

That means I am halfway to the new and improved habit of normalized kitchen maintenance. I am figuring that we as a family will continue to just relearn proper kitchen-ing through the month of March. In April, we’ll continue with our kitchen skills and I will pick another room to relearn for all of us. It will probably take me a year to feel like I have a handle on everything, at least. And if, at the end of that year, I am still not ready to move on to whatever is next, I can still say “I’m not ready”. And that will be ok, cause I will be saying it with an under-control house and wonderful children. It’ll be like mental Fastin, eliminating one self defeating behavior at a time.

Grrrr. I took two this day, with the cam on my cellphone. Both were of That One getting his suit altered for the ball, and both have been eaten by my phone. Darn Technology.

But anyway, black suit, worn by That One, being pinned by tailor, looking mighty fine. But I really, really wanted that picture!

Here is a photo I took on Tuesday. Any guesses as to why I might have been, say, downtown, and, umm, say, in an office building on Tuesday?

Leave your guesses in the comments, and use Simply Linked to let us know where your own self portrait is!

Let’s take a break from the memory game for a bit and talk about stuff. If you follow my twitter, you know that I finished sorting my books on Monday. I didn’t realize it then, but I was practically through with the living room at that point. Guitar Guy claimed a rocker, That One is coming for the recliner and display cabinets this weekend, and I need to see if my tv stand will actually hold my tv so I can ge rid of the broken down dresser that it currently resides on, and then the living room will be finished. Finished. And that will leave only the kitchen. Do you know how exciting that is? Let me tell you, these words may be all lined up in a row, but their writer is bouncing up and down as she types!!!!

I’ve only been meaning to purge my house for the past three or four years, and this year….I think I am gonna make it! WOOHOO! Go me! And also those of my friends who kept applying shoe leather to my backside when I slowed down. You know who you are

Welcome, Children of the Eighties, you are now the catered to generation.

I realized at work the other day that my generation is now the one that marketers are looking at and trying to woo. The cutting edge folks are looking at 20smothings with plenty of disposable income, but the mainstream stores are all about us 40something-with kids folks. And how do I know this? Because the store where I work has it’s own soundtrack, and they play the music of my teens. All day, every day. Of course, I sing along, and then I have to come home and download some songs. And soon, I’ll be having to shop Mp3 players because my old one is totally full.

Do you think I could call a new 8GB player a business expense? No? It made sense in my mind, people.

That’s what my MP3 player told me last night. See, I finally tried to transfer all those nifty new downloads to it, and so I just selected them all and tried to pull them over. Un-uh. No way. I had to ick and choose, but in the end, I did manage to get most of them on it. Might be time for me to invest in one of those memory stick players. I like the small size, but it’s gonna have to be bigger than 2GB, which I guess is not so much after all, but it sure seemed like a gracious plenty when I bought the thing.

Gracious plenty. My Grandmother used to say that. I miss her.

In other news, I slept for crap last night and I’m really tired. It’s a great thing to be so close to people that you pick up their emotions. Really, it is. But it’s better when they are having a good day. Or at least when not all of them are having a bad day. Night. Whatever.

And also, if I am worried about you and you even mention you may call me back after you deal with the current bitter business on your plate??????? Please know that I will be on alert all night until I hear from you and that the kindest possible thing you could do for me would be to call no matter how late the hour. Because then I could actually go to sleep. Just sayin’.

Even if in the past “I’ll be waiting here” has meant “I’ll find some way to screw you over.” That wasn’t me.

So, do you remember my posts whining about how my feet hurt? Yeah, so you might think that on my day off, when I was pretty sure I’d be on my feet for quite a bit of time anyway, I would wear nice, flat, sensible shoes, right? LIke maybe MBT shoes, or something?? Umm, no. I wore high heeled platform Mary Janes, the ones I showed you several months ago. And I rocked those shoes today. I also took them off several times, LOL! Interestingly enough, I wore them while I was actually working on the Seder stuff because I kept ramming stuff into my poor little uncovered toes! Not fun. Not fun at all.