So, here we are. Waiting. Because they tell us that we may get up to 10 inches of snow and ice in the next 24 hours. I’m excited. Can’t you tell?
In other news, I bared my soul today. It didn’t hurt, but as sometimes happens, I was surprised at what came out of my mouth/fingers. It is totally true that I write so I can find out what I think. I can put off sorting out this one, though, and I may just do that. Not every thing has to be picked at immediately.
I am out of words. I’m crazy tired and I may just be asleep before the snow flies.
Ok, I’m off. I’ve been off for several weeks. I’ve been off since the winter storms and weekly kiddo dental appointments started disrupting my routines. I miss going to work for a full day on a regular basis. I feel out of touch with my people. I mean, when I’m there, it’s good, and I have technically only missed 2 days. But dang. First there was winter break. Then two days of court as a witness (excused for civic duty). Then the snow started flying and the dental appointments began. And today, that culminated in trading my Spring Break for listening to my children bicker with one another on yet another snow day. I’d hoped to trade that break for time with my older kids when they visit in April…and when my younger kids are also on spring break.
I’m behind on my homework. No, I mean behinder than I have ever been in my life, and I just don’t give a hoot. I better start giving a hoot, I have two assignments due on Monday.
And finally, I miss being outside. I now walk from the apartment to the van to the train station or into work. And back. I also walk from the train station to school and back on Mondays. But I don’t think it counts if I am huddled into a heavy coat and cursing the wind. Yeah, pretty much sure that doesn’t count. I want to sit on the balcony and read a book while sipping iced tea.
And I know some of you will say that this is because I live in Maryland now, and it’s colder, for longer. But I got this way in North Carolina, too. It starts with the time change in the fall and it builds and builds and builds until the time changes back to “normal” in the Spring(ish. Depending you know). By the end of February, every year, I am over life in general and ready to start slugging people. Thank God, I can flip the clock this weekend. It’ll take me a week to adjust, but then….I’ll be golden until next November. It is this weekend, right? Right?!?
So, today my daughter was going out and I asked her to bring me this planter thing I saw last night and passed up. Because Spring will come as surely as Winter now embraces us. I have no idea what I am going to put in there, but it was 50% off at Rite-Aid, and I wanted it and now I have it, for just 7.94, tax included. There are four pots total, you can’t see one of them in the pic. I think… I think since I have potting soil here already, and some tea leaves to put in the bottoms, I’m going to put aside this paper I am not writing anyway and put my fingers in some dirt. And if I get done with that, and still have soil, I may go pick up another set of these pots. But not this afternoon, because kids home because snow. Maybe tonight.
P.S. The dresses I bought yesterday are too small. I will try to exchange them when I am back there next Wednesday. That is yet another reason I want to get outside–I need to walk to get rid of some of this chubbery blubbery me. In fact, I would like to get rid of about 20 pounds of me. And bucket loads of stress and undifferentiated anxiety. I need to walk it away. I can’t do that sitting inside drinking chai latte, no matter how good that chai latte may be.
I could meditate the stress and anxiety away, if not the weight, but have you ever tried to do that with kids around? Hahahahhahhahaa, yeah, that’s the sound of my maniacal laughter.
It will be around 10 degrees waiting for the train tonight. It’s cold, I’m cranky, and my motivation is sorely lacking. I am always through with winter before it is through with me.
Time to set some personal goals to get myself over the hump. Last night, I started saving my used tea leaves for fertilizer. I’m going to plant some things. I know that a seed in the ground is hope in the heart. And also a way to give this arctic blast the finger.
I don’t know if it comes through in the picture, but this was beautiful. The way the light hit the tree, and then didn’t. Red-orange on brown, against a blue sky. Beautiful.
Today was a mixed bag. I had a great social work moment. I took a man a bowl of thick grits and saw him smile for the first time in weeks. That may not sound like social work to you, but it was to him.
Then I had some uncomfortable conversation about polyamory. And then I had to chase thoughts around in my head about that. Thoughts like:
It’s about me, and who gets to call the shots on my life. I chose poly in the beginning because it gave me autonomy in all areas. Once men know they don’t own my bits, they leave me alone about everything else: my kids, my money, my lifestyle, how I spend my time, my hobbies. All of it. It’s MINE.
If I stop seeing the old guy, the new guy gets left to wonder when I will find another new guy and decide to stop seeing him. And I don’t think he gets that I face an equally unsettling dilemma: he’s monogamous. I get to worry that he’s gonna meet some “nice monogamous girl” and decide to quit seeing me.
You know, part of me wants to say “ok, I’ll be monogamous” because I don’t want to “lose” him.
But if I do that I am already loving him in a controlling way. I am not being non-attached because if I make changes to ensure the relationship, I am going to expect he will do the same. I won’t be accepting him just like he is. And accepting him just like he is …this is what allowed me to not hate men who have come and gone before, because they were perfect in their selfness. They may not be people that I want to spend a lot of time with going forward, but as long as they are true to themselves….I accept that.
I won’t lie. That viewpoint required constantly deciding and constantly enforcing that mindset with myself. It all goes together, the non-attachment and the poly and just loving people. He says he thinks you can’t love someone as much if you do it in a non-attached way. I think you can love them more because you love them true.
And one thing I didn’t say, but part of the conversation: “If you’re not so afraid to lose someone, then you’re free to love them as much as you want.”
All of which led to this: There are days when I am glad I live my life based on guiding principles I ironed out for myself in advance instead of momentary feelings. This is one of them.
So there ya go. Some raw honesty for you about what it’s really like to try to find balance and integrity in polyamory. Because in the end, it’s not about him or him or him. It’s about me, and how I treat myself, and by extension, those I care about.