So, I wrote a very funny thing this morning, but I can’t share it with you, because it involved a lot of profanity. I’m going to tell you that it was directed at Eve, you know, Adam’s wife, and that I am NOT a very happy camper right now. And this sucks and also Guitar Guy is laughing his butt off at me, and it is not funny. It could be worse, I suppose. I could need Mesothelioma treatments, instead of black cohosh. It is physically uncomfortable and I am afraid I am going to get old and ugly. There. I said it out loud. Perhaps we can move on to other things. But I doubt it. And if you see me in Paula’s Health Hut, just be quiet.

Okay, where were we? It seems to me that I need to write several posts here, and post a lot of pictures with them. I’m just a wee bit mentally scattered, though. I don’t really feel like writing today, which is a bit odd for me. Of course, being able to fry an egg on my FACE is also odd. But apparently, it’s not going to be odd for very much longer, because it’s gonna be my new normal. Unless I can figure out some kind of natural help. Wait a minute, how did we get back here? I thought we changed the subject!!

Wow, ok. Midlife Musings, now new and improved with hot flashes and irritability!

Lots of mental stew today. You get a smorgasbord.

This morning, I have been playing the “what would it take” game. So far, I figure 6 bedrooms, provided one of them has a room off either side, and 8 if not. So about 3,000 square feet, minimum.

I spent some time out at the hospital after work yesterday with GirlCousin. We talked about a lot of things, including facial hair. Bleh. We apparently do not need to buy natural testosterone, as we have plenty of it. BTW, and unrelated to anything we discussed yesterday, did you know that it is testosterone that is responsible for the sex drive in both males and females? Yeah. I am so a fount of useless information, but there ya go. Facial hair and hornies, that’s what it’s good for.

Umm, look at my latest picture, post under this one. Do I look anorexic to you? Cause some dingbat who had known me for all of 15 minutes told me I had the symptoms of anorexia. He overheard me say my stomach hurt every time I ate and that I don’t like stuff in my mouth and that I had lost 30 pounds and jumped to this fantastic conclusion. I promptly took my anorexic ass to the cafeteria and had lemon shortcake. That’s ok, he also called GirlCousin fat. We don’t like him, he is dumb.

I also read the first chapter of TAW yesterday, though I didn’t do the exercises yet. I found myself about 48 times. I’d been wondering what I would do if a blog post idea came up while I was doing my morning pages, and today I found out. See, you aren’t supposed to go back and read them, so when one came up, I just drew an arrow in the margin pointing to it, and now I can go back and pick it up and blog it. Which I do plan to do sometime this week, but it may not be today. Today, I have a doctor appointment and Country wants to hang out with me for awhile. And I am going back out to the hospital for a quick visit with AuntieEm.

Continuing our backward trek, I went to Clarkton Sunday and hung out with GirlCousin and AuntieEm. That was such fun for me. People, I planned the trip at 1am Sunday morning! I left my house spontaneously and without being under compulsion. For a gal who lived in her room just a couple months ago, this is major stuff! From my room to the living room to out of the house. Alone, no bodyguard.

And it was GREAT to just say, I’ll be back. Just like when I went on my Artist Date–no one to call and check in with or get permission from. Awesome. I’m reveling in both mental and physical freedom today. It’s amazing out here. Oh, did I catch you off guard with my moment of truth there? Umm, I thought I warned you a few posts back that was going to happen. No need to check, it was on the post called “Wow, Just Wow”. I remember.

Added bonus for Sunday, That One met us in Whiteville. He got the seal of approval from the family there.

There ya go, pretty much caught up. Hope you didn’t mind going backwards. That was just easiest for me.

Me on my first “Artist’s Date”.

I had such a good time. I took me shopping and bought organizer bins for the cubbies in my room, a storage ottoman for my room, 6 count them SIX books, a ball of ridiculous yarn suitable only for making That One a hat, a vanity box and some hair bobs. And ice cream for dinner!!!

I went places I don’t normally go, Target and Mayfaire. Those aren’t steel buildings behind me, as you can see, but the nice facade of some fancy pants store. Mayfaire is a neat, neat place. Lots of specialty shops, a huge theater and apartments above all the stores. If I were single and as young as I look in this picture, I could so see me living there. Oh yeah, and rich. Mayfaire is spendy, people.

So tell me, how have you been good to yourself lately?

So this is not the post I thought I was going to write tonight. I thought I would be telling you about all the stuff I did today, and I did indeed do dishes and laundry and blow bubbles and put buttons on a sweater and open my package from Amazon. And that package is what I want to talk about tonight.

I have found through the years that God has a way of bringing synergy into my life. A word from a friend here, a realization in my spirit there, a third piece of information from somewhere that clearly points in a direction I am meant to pursue.

For some time, I have been struggling with the things that have happened to me in my life, and how to deal with those things as the ramifications of them rear their heads in my today life. I’ve come to see that this is my time to own my own personal truths, to explore where I have been and where I am going, and how I plan to get there. That was the realization in my spirit: it is time.

Last week, when I met with my friend, she told me about a book she had once started, The Artist’s Way. She said it was life changing and that she’d like to get back to it. And I said I would order it and I did and it came today, as you know. That was the word from a friend.

The third thing, the piece of information, has come from several sources. It came from my daughter, and then my friend, and then my other friend, and then two more friends and then my cousin saying “you can write”.

And so, here I am with word, and information and tool, and I am going to do this thing for myself. I am as excited about it as I was about my life list. Today, I just read the introduction. There were several quotes in it, but these three showed me that I was on to something that could really help me: mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

You need to claim the events of your life to make yourself yours. — Anne-Wilson Schaef

Yes, it is time to embrace it, pain and joy, and use it to help myself and others. It is time to be ME. And to all those who would tell me to shut up, “shut up”. Someone told me today that they had been second their whole life, and I said “I know, I have too. But it is time for us to be FIRST.” That means admitting the truth of where I am, because the thing about trying to hide it is that you end up lying to yourself, and if you can’t trust your own self to tell you the truth, who the heck are you gonna trust?

The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order…the continuous thread of revelation.—Eudora Welty

This is true for me, as I am sure it is with a lot of you. I am in an intense period of personal revelation just now. I’m finally ready to say something out loud: I was abused. I am a survivor. And it was not my fault. That right there is a very empowering statement, folks. And while I am a survivor, abuse does carry some consequences. Those events loom large in my personal memory arsenal. They far outweigh other events that should be just as significant. It is time to work through all that garbage and put it in it’s rightful perspective. Some people won’t like that. I’m sorry, but it’s time for me to protect me, it’s time for me to be first, and I’m going to do that. Ms. Cameron promises right from the outset that this 12 week program will bring up some painful stuff. I believe her. And I am committing anyway. I am worth it.

It is in the knowledge of the genuine conditions of our lives that we must draw our strength to live and our reasons for living.—Simone de Beauvoir

Exactly.

Hi, my name is Cass and I am ready. I might also be looking for laptop insurance, because there’s gonna be a whole lot of blogging going on. And also, a journal, because I need to do my morning pages.

June 28 Ouch So, forget the thing about not being able to walk and chew bubble gum at the same time. Apparently, I can’t even *talk* and chew gum. I was walking to the car with Drama, and she spoke to me and I looked at to answer her and sprained my ankle on a depression in the sand in my yard. Not even an actual hole, people. A depression. Only marginally less embarrassing that getting caught reading colonix reviews by my kids.

June 29 Oops I guess that when I spend the day blogging, I kinda forget the picture taking. Sorry.

June 30 Dead This is what my roses looked like when I got back to the garden shop last week. That just aggravates me to no end!! I did figure out why later in the week, though. Apparently the young man they are putting in there while I am gone did not understand that you water plants gently. He was using the power wash setting. Yeah, on my flowers. No wonder they looked beat and bedraggled and dead and ruined.

July 1 Buttons for a Baby Sweater Pretty self explanatory, right?

July 2 Sleeping I absolutely love it when I get to come home to see this. I could try to explain that, but I won’t bother. But it’s totally worth sleeping on the couch for!

You know, sometimes you say and mean one thing, and someone reads it and hears quite another. It’s a downfall of the medium of the written word. People who know you well and talk to you everyday can often take your written words and understand exactly what you mean. Other people, either because they aren’t familiar with your writing style, or because they are bringing to the table a set of emotions that is overwhelming to them at the time, take an entirely different meaning.

It has come to my attention that some of my family members have read what I wrote about Granny’s death and taken an entirely different meaning than I intended. Part of that is my fault, for a couple of reasons. First, I had a very hard time writing that post. I cried most of the way through it, and while I am usually able to proofread a piece to ensure that I have been clear in it as a whole, this time I wasn’t able to do that. I proofread it one sentence at a time. Each sentence stands alone, and each sentence made sense and conveyed my thought, but I failed to make a paragraph break to delineate the facts of Granny’s death from my own personal feelings about the way I would choose to die, if I have a choice.

I want to make it perfectly plain to anyone who misunderstood that Granny wanted her family around her. She was ready to go HOME and she wanted those she loved around her when she went. And I am so very glad for her that my family members were able to give that to her. I know it took a great deal of strength and courage for each and every one of them to set themselves aside and give her what she wanted. There’s nothing ghoulish in giving a dying woman what she wants, and there is nothing ghoulish in wanting to die with those you love around you.

For myself, that’s not what I want. It’s the idea of my own death happening that way that I found repulsive.

The second part is wholly on me. I have mentioned that I have a public face and a private face. My private face is just that, private. I can count on one hand the number of people I allow to see it, and usually not one of them gets to know all I feel about any given thing until they read it here on this blog. Not one of those people is related to me in any way except love and friendship. My most private face is revealed only here, and I do that by pretending to myself that I am anonymous and no one reads this crappy ol’ blog anyway.

For the almost two weeks that Granny was in the hospital I wore the public face. No one there at the hospital knew that I was barely eating, drinking two pots of coffee and smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and crying myself to sleep on the nights that I slept at all. They didn’t know that because I didn’t let them know. It’s one of the few times that I regret not letting more of my private face show, because I think if I had shown more of how I really felt, my later words would have been less likely to be misunderstood.

So, as I sit here typing, I am in the middle of a hot flash that has been going on for about an hour. That is a very long time for this turkey to cook. I’m figuring it has to stop once I am well done and the juices run clear, right? I should totally grab a Canon camera and take a picture of my red flushed face, but it would be too embarrassing to post. I love peri-menopause. Really. I especially love talking to That One on the phone and having my voice be deeper than his. Feels so lady-like and feminine. Especially when I am also panting like a pup.

In other news, I have ordered a copy of The Artist’s Way. I met with my friend last night and we plan to work through it and help hold each other accountable. I’m a little intimidated and a lot excited. And a little perplexed about how in the world I am going to write three pen and paper pages of stuff per day and still write here, too. I’ll figure it out when the book gets here, I guess.

In yet other news, I ordered Fluffer Phone yesterday. I’m expecting it to be delivered tomorrow. I’ll be playing with it this weekend. My inner geek is very happy about that. I’m expecting a list of must-have apps for it from The DJ sometime today, too!

Let’s see….what else? I am sure there was more, but with my brain simmering like this it’s hard to think. Really hard to think.

June 18 Baby Got Back Sorta. On this day, I slid into 2 pairs of jeans that I slid right back down my hips without unfastening, and then I pulled out these size 6 Levi’s. When I looked in the mirror, there was this thing behind that looked like it wanted to be a butt eventually. Like, when it grew up and stuff. Since I hadn’t seen anything like that on myself in months, I recorded the moment for posterity. And I will be buying some more of these britches in this size.

June 19 Six kid pile-up Here you see a lot of fun going on. This is the kid from down the street with five of my kids piled on top of him. Who knows why, but there was a lot of laughter and play shrieking going on, so I snapped it for ya.

June 20 Not an oops But it almost was. I had gone to bed when I remembered that I had not taken a picture. So I took one. Of the Christmas lights that hang behind the curtains in my room. Am I too old to refer to them as “fairy lights”? No, I don’t think so either.

June 21 Shirt I didn’t buy I almost bought this shirt for That One, because he loves to fish, and he frequently tell me about his nemesis, a huge fish that refuses to take his bait. They are old frenemies, he and this fish. But I didn’t get it because we decided $5 was too much to spend on a fishing shirt. Cause we are frugal beasts.

June 22 A Purple Spidey I love this kid and how he rawks this ‘hawk. He’s something else!