I don’t think I have ever shown you guys the note board I have over my desk, but I figured maybe that would be a good thing to talk about today. It looks like this:

My dream list is posted to the left, and there are my to-do lists on the left side of the board, and a birthday card Diva made me on the right, along with a couple of other lists. Those other lists are a direct result of one of the chapters from The Artist’s Way, and those are the ones I want to talk about today. See, they are probably pretty important, because when the book said to post them where I could look at them, my immediate response was “heck no!”, and it took me a couple of days to go ahead and do it. The chapter was basically about the ways we punish ourselves and prevent ourselves from realizing our potentials and dreams. It was pretty eye opening to read, and even more eye opening to respond to. If you’ve worked through the book, I know you will know what I mean by that, because we trick and thwart ourselves so very easily, all in the name of being “good” to and for everyone else. So here are my lists, and the titles are as telling as the items on them.

FORBIDDEN JOYS These are, of course, the things I do not allow myself to do, for reasons mostly not understood even by me.

1. Carry my camera around for a week.
2. Sit in silence and write something besides Morning Pages.
3. Sit in silence and read.
4. Draw, because I can’t do it “right”.
5. Play with beads or puzzles when others are around.
6. Dance.
7. Take a long bath.
8. Drive, just drive.
9. Vacation alone.
10. Sew.

See, all of these are things I love to do, and want to do, but in order to do them, I am not available at the drop of a hat to whomever calls my name. I’m answering my own whims instead of everyone else’s. And that’s just WRONG, see. Because for some reason, I don’t deserve to make myself happy, only other people. That’s stinking thinking, you know? And I am discovering just how stinking that thinking really is on a daily basis, as I deal with one of my children. She’s having a hard time lately, and it’s frustrating all of us. She wants more, more, more, no matter how much she gets. More bending to her desires, more coddling, more princess. It’s reached the point where she has hurt the feelings of everyone who lives in this house with her, and I am spending a great deal more time doing damage control that I’d like. I’m trying to help her, and I am trying to help the others cope with the nasty things she says to them, and also trying to remind myself that she really doesn’t mean the horrible things she says to me.

The good news is, I have a little perspective these days. In truth, I know that she doesn’t really hate everyone in the house, but she can’t figure out exactly what it is she’s needing, so she can’t ask for it. Hmmm, btdt, and visit far too frequently still. Yeah, I feel her pain. We are a family, and when one of us struggles, we all suffer. It’s the nature of the beast. I’m somewhat happy that she feels safe enough to lash out at us all. I was never able to do that as a child/teen/young adult and look where I am now. Maybe she’ll have an easier time of it than I am having now. And, ah, how did this article come to be about my daughter when I meant to to be about me, me, me? Is it because I see so much of myself in her? Maybe.

So these are the ways I deny myself pleasure.

On to the next list, which is even more telling. These are the ways I actively sabotage myself.

Cass’s Rules for Meager Living

1. Do the needful first.
2. Don’t make alone time important enough to use (this means that even when I get it, I don’t use it effectively).
3. Don’t develop your pictures.
4. Don’t let the kids see you being crafty.
5. Don’t get the house clean.
6. Never act without everyone’s approval.
7. Don’t get alone.
8. Don’t pray.
9. Don’t eat right.
10. Let people yell around you.

Yeah, that last one is kinda odd, I guess. But to hear other people yell, even if they aren’t yelling at me, just really messes with me. My inner child just wants to hide.

So, anyway, I’ve been staring at those lists for a couple of weeks now, using them as impetus to treat myself a little better, to invest in my own fulfillment and happiness. And today, I added this little goodie, right over that board.

I believe I am worth it. And so, as Fall approaches and we start taking out the sweaters and hoodies, I’m also taking a fresh look at how best to meet my own needs. It’s a good thing. Hopefully by Spring, I will be living riotously instead of meagerly. While still meeting the needs of everyone around me, of course, because I am, after all, still Wonder Woman.

As soon as I hit publish on this post, I am updating my Life List. I’ve had so many adventures lately that I need to order new return address labels. They should say:

Midlife Cass
1234 Somewhere in the Woods
Outside, North Carolina
284who-the-heck-knows

Think they can fit all that on one of those itty-bitty stickers? I’m not sure either but I know that they can’t fit hiking-camping-rollercoaster-riding-driving-laughing-playing street on one! The truth is, I can’t even remember off the top of my head all the things I’ve done lately, and I am hoping that reading through the list jogs my memory!

So, it’s been three weeks, exactly, since I posted here. That’s a long quiet time, isn’t it? It is for me at any rate. But I have stories to tell now, and so I shall.

I posted a few minutes ago over on my knitting blog about some stuff that happened this past weekend. It got me thinking about where and how I live, and wondering if maybe a call to a Charleston realtor might not be in order. I’m thinking a more peaceful place might suit me better than my current place, and if I had the financial wherewithal to do it, I’d probably already be packing. It boiled down to this: I heard a hummingbird for the very first time this past weekend. HEARD it. For the FIRST time. It was a very profound experience for me. I sat there in amazement at the noise, and folks, it took me awhile to figure out where it was coming from, though the bird was only about three feet away from my face. And then I sat there in amazement that I had never heard it before. And then, I started listening to the other sounds around me and realizing that there is just an awful lot of stuff I have never seen and never done and never heard.

Do you know what else I heard recently? An alligator. And something else that I can’t remember what That One called. See, I have lived inside all my life. I actually thought nature was quiet until recently. I mean, whodda thunk an alligator actually made a noise to call her babies to her? Yeah.

So, pretending to insert a great segue here because there isn’t one, but it all flows together in my mind, I was talking to my friend Ang. this morning about The Artist’s Way and what a wonderful thing it has been for me, and my life is really changing at a phenomenal rate, but I am not actually creating anything, and she said something really profound. She said, “you are healing, Cass, you are making you.” And I thought about that thing for about 1.75 seconds and I realized she was right.

When I was growing up, I tried to be who my parents wanted me to be. And when I got married for the first time, I tried to be who my first husband wanted me to be. And then, when I got married again, I tried to be who he wanted me to be. And then I spent many years trying to be who my kids needed me to be. I’m single now, and while my kids still need me, they are growing up fast and don’t need me in quite the same ways anymore. So, here I am exploring the world and finding out what my own likes and dislikes are. And I am discovering that I am not necessarily who I thought I was. Or rather that I am interested in things I never thought would appeal to me and that the things I thought would keep me enthralled are just not as pleasing as I always figured they would be.

And I am learning to say yes to that weirdness and not make myself live in the box that doesn’t quite fit anymore. And if that means less “making” and more “doing”, so be it. That’s the one major thing I have learned from TAW, I guess: whatever my current passion is, follow it, explore it, see where it goes. If it leads to a short infatuation with waves and surfboards, or speed and heights, so be it. If it leads to a lifetime love of ground based outdoor leisure activities, then so be it. You know the Bible says God gives us the desires of our hearts. There are two ways to take that. One, God is a big ol’ SugarDaddy and whatever we dream of, He will hand it to us on a silver platter. Or two, He plants wants and desires in our hearts and then it is up to us to follow or ignore them. Right now, I’m choosing to follow. And if I am able to find God again, outside, where I never expected Him to be, so much the better. Lord knows, I am fed up with the fake people who profess to follow Him inside.

Ok, so, yeah. I’ve done stuff about school, and come January, whether I need snow boots or daisy dukes, I’ll be there. I went by the admissions office yesterday to turn in a bit of paperwork, and they are still waiting on my college transcripts, which I’ve ordered. They also need a high school transcript, which I still have to figure out how to get. I did it years ago so I could homeschool the children, but I don’t remember how I did it. A quick call to the high school ought to take care of that.

Let’s see what else? Oh yes, the living room. Whittling that down a box at a time. I did mention that I unloaded 1/4 of the shed into my living room, right? Umm, yeah, to make my studio. I’m still thoroughly enjoying that, btw, my little official work and play area. And it’s nice to not have the computer in my room.

Boy, I think the hardest part about now having time to blog regularly must be the forgetting what I’ve talked about and what I haven’t. I’ve built daily blogging time into my routine, but I don’t always get through the whole routine, and it’s near the end, so….yeah.

P.S. The high school transcript will be going out this afternoon. Why, yes, I am a multi-tasking queen!

My friend Joan used to say that every time a kid informed us of an impending trip to the potty. As you know, I have a lot of children, and so it became a very familiar song, LOL! Anyway, I have an announcement to make that has nothing to do with the potty, so listen up.

I. Am. Going. Back. To. School. That’s right. You heard me. Today I shall be filling out forms to request my transcripts, between hot flashes, of course, because it is Thursday and therefore The Day of Flashing, and then I will start filling out the FAFSA and online application to UNC-W.

Now, my cousin, she is also going back to school. We are going to take over the world, she and I. And it won’t be long, so you better watch out. We’re smart and we’re sassy and we are rolling with the punches. She recommended I check out Online Schools, but I decided I want the total school experience, complete with monstrously heavy backpack and walking around campus and homework in the cafeteria between classes. That’s just how I am.

I’m really looking forward to this adventure. I plan to study sociology and psychology. I was talking to my aunt about the prospect of finishing college the weekend we spent at the beach, and she really encouraged me to think long and hard about where I wanted to end up, and not just grab the quickest degree possible. And so I sat down with myself and had a few question and answer sessions, and I came up with an idea or two. And then, out of nowhere, which I suppose I ought to really begin calling GodWhere, there was confirmation.

And then there were openings for flexible schedule free-lance work. And then there were, and then there were, and then there were, and suddenly, paved roads have appeared where a couple of weeks ago there were only grown over wheels ruts of almost paths. And so, I am going back and I am so excited.

I know that I am way behind in posting here, and I don’t know that I will be able to catch up anytime soon. Today, I am supposed to read Chapter 4 of The Artist’s Way and apparently I am supposed to get off the internet and away from books for the week. I wonder how that works if you consider your writing a play activity and the point of the week is to make yourself play? I’ll have to consider that one a bit.

I’ve also come up with more lists. I have a dream list posted in my studio. It’s mostly a list of creative projects that I have been meaning to get to, different from the Life List, which is….yeah, different from that. There is some overlap, but not much. That list, however, is not the one I am counting on to insure my success. No, for that, I am relying on the daily, days off, and weekly lists. If I can talk myself into actually doing the stuff on the lists, I ought to be good to go, ready to begin classes in January. And if not….well, I suppose I will be running even crazier than I am running now.

Ok, end of announcements. You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming!

Me, I’ve been busy. As if you haven’t noticed. It seems like a whirlwind has been going on around me since I last posted. And there’s one inside me, too. I’m busy with making plans and goals and figuring out how to accomplish them. Lots of good stuff. I need to share it with you all, if I can get my mind to slow down long enough to post something coherent, LOL. Lots of blogging ideas, too, but don’t stop long enough to flesh those out either. And naturally, a lot of stuff going on that I am not really ready to talk about. I usually have to get things settled internally before I blab about it on the blog, and so…this post is mostly about not posting, because I know it’s been too long since I’ve written when a friend who only visits my blog now and again mentions that I “haven’t mused very much lately”. Hi, you. You know who you are!

Anyway, the year is passing so quickly! At work, the garden shop is winding down and that space will soon be full of Halloween costumes. Hopefully I will spend most of the fall and winter in receiving. When I am working. The pharmacy is cutting back on hours now, and so I won’t be working Saturdays. I was thinking that I will not ask for those hours to be replaced on the floor, but will instead use the extra two days a month to get some dreams fruitioned and some schemes carried out. Cause, yeah, the things I have been planning will take some time and due diligence.

Oops, out of time. Gotta get ready for the eye doctor. Hopefully, I will find time to sit down with you soon and we’ll have a cup of coffee or something.

So, it’s been quite a while since I posted anything here. There are several reasons for that. First, I’ve been busy. I’ve been doing stuff on my life list, I took a quickie trip out of town and also…..I’ve been writing morning pages. I’ve been at them since July 11th and they are now an indispensable tool for me. Three pages, every day, except today I actually did four, because I was hashing something out with myself and wanted to finish it. The morning pages are really helpful for that. If my mind is a series of locked doors, then we can think of the morning pages as the Kwikset keys that help me get them open. Sometimes, there is nothing there but random crap, and sometimes there’s a tiger and sometimes there are really good ideas for blog posts, but I haven’t taken the time to develop any of them any further. Also, I am noticing trying to type this post that it’s probably time to cut my nails again. I’m having a hard time striking the keys!

So, what exactly have I been busy with, besides the life list stuff, which I think will be a post of it’s own? Well, I have set myself up a studio in my living room/entry way. All that space that used to be devoted to doll cabinets has become a place for me to work and play and work at playing. I posted this photo to Facebook today and noted that soon the only thing standing between me and my creativity and celebrating my passions would be me. And as Ang. pointed out, sometimes me is a pretty big obstacle. I’d go so far as to say that it’s usually the only obstacle.

The good news is that I am working on clearing that obstacle up. And now I have a space. I don’t know what I am going to do in it first, except write this blog post, but I imagine that I will shortly be writing a list of stuff I want to accomplish here. I have a space. I have a space to work and study and play. I have a space in the main section of my house.

Which reminds me, I guess I need to let you know that I am no longer living mostly in my bedroom. I now spend a lot more time OUT of my room. And when I go in there to withdraw, I make note of it, and try not to let myself get sucked back in for too long. It’s become “not the norm”. That’s a good thing.

One final note for this post and then I will wrap it up. The thing I was dealing with this morning in my pages? Apparently, I have abandonment issues. Whoddafrickinthunkit?

Oooh, getting closer to the right day again, LOL!

July 13 was another oops. So, oops.

July 14 Cubbies This is what they looked like before the re-organization started. They are done now, though I have some stuff left over that I am not quite sure what I am going to do with.

July 15 Weird Yarn This became a hat for That One. Hope he drops by soon to pick it up. He liked the picture but I am sure he will laugh when he actually gets to feel the hat. It’s….interesting to say the least.

July 16 also an oops. It was the day MMH pretty much told Mama he was leaving.
July 17th also. It was the day he left. I was busy visiting Mama. We talked, we played cards, we shook our heads in amazement that he would walk away from so much for so little.

July 18 Uncle I gave up trying to catch up my reading before the piles of books on my little bookcase made me crazy, so I added another bookcase. I’m still behind, but at least it looks neater. And I get to display more pictures. I like it!

July 19 Bayer GirlCousin gave him to me. She picked out a good one. She tells me Ty is high class, but this one is a bed hopper. I never know where I’ll find him in the morning, but I know where he starts out each night: clutched to my chest with my body wrapped around him.

July 20 Lantana I finally planted it, LOL!