Tag Archive | love

Self Portrait Sunday


I almost forgot, AGAIN, that it was Sunday. I was trying to think of a picture I could take that would go with today’s writing when I remembered. And that’s good, because today is a two-fer. You get the outside in the picture, as usual. But I have also spent some time today sharing my heart on relationships with a friend, and that, cleaned up, will be the bulk of what you read or skip today. 🙂

And truly, it’s okay if you skip. I will never find out. And I know it can be very uncomfortable to read about other people’s inner thoughts. Unintentional mirrors and flashlights and such. I get that.

I like to laugh, to play. I have a lot of serious moments, deep thoughts. And then a flash of humor. It’s important to me to be able to share both. I want a man willing to both think and laugh with me.

Let me revisit that last statement. Not “I want a man…..”. I want people….who can accept me as I am in this moment, and in the next, different moment’s incarnation. And I want that badly enough that I am intentionally seeking it out. I want that depth of connection, because anything less feels false.

The interplay of love and freedom has been particularly salient for me of late, likely because I am spending a good deal of mental energy figuring out what open relating and relationship anarchy is going to look like for me. Letting go of that societal imprinting where the body is the person. And also figuring out what makes me feel caged and what makes me feel free. And how to approach people, but stay large, stay me even as I forge connections with others. I’m very busy pulling the lessons from the experiences.

I’d rather look at my fear and get to know it, get comfortable with it, than to set yet more artificial boundaries between myself and others. People hurt each other, as much as they try not to. I know that in any relationship, that’s going to happen. Because we are human.

There are two things about that. First, I can decide not to even get started because of fear, or I can accept it as a “cost of doing business” as it were and proceed. And the second thing is about when it happens: whether or not we move past it when it does happen relies to a very great extent on whether I make it about the other person or about me. And if I own my own feelings on that, sit with them, look at where they really originate, then that’s the better choice.

All of this is part of what my tattoo means. I was able to get it after I changed my perspective on some things. I’m not actually fearless. But I can act that way because I don’t let fear call the shots. I don’t let should call the shots. Should is another link in the chain of fear.

I let the shots call themselves, and attempt to walk in grace and beauty, treading compassionately in the lives of others.

Because I love


On December 31, 2012 I posted this statement to the blog and to facebook:

“In 2013, I want to love so wide and so deep that others float peacefully in the sea of me, and so thick that when they rise to walk away, drops of it cling to their skin reminding them that I am waiting with arms and heart wide open.”

I set an intention there, without realizing the full ramifications of what I was doing. I chose to be open and vulnerable with people, and I chose to stay in the position of loving. Did I have to self-correct when I strayed off course? Yes, a few times. But on the whole, I was able to stay in that place of warmth, generosity, and acceptance. And in 2013, the universe conspired with my intention and brought people into my life who were willing to accept a love like that. (And a couple who still can’t, but whatever, they will figure it out eventually I hope.) But here’s the deal. The universe did not just show me the people in my backyard. No, the universe has a wonderful sense of humor, and it brought into my life people in distant places.

You know, it’s one thing to let people know you are there with your whole heart and mind when you are face-to-face. Eye contact, reflection, shared time. It’s a little more difficult with people you don’t see as often.

I have to schedule and guard face time with my far-flung friends in order to have it. We have to work on that together. It doesn’t happen by accident. I can’t be lazy about it. I have to make the time count, because it’s short. I have to be fully present when I have the luxury of face time, and recognize it as the gift that it is. I know, I need to be fully present all the time. But I also know that I am not. So, I remind myself. Be here in this moment. Sixty seconds of really and truly being present with another person is an amazing thing. Sixty seconds of full presence, preferably wordless, and I know more about that person that I would have learned in decades of casual checked-out conversation.

I am also a big fan of the tele-date. Dedicated non-face time to watch a show together, or talk about a book, or maybe just sit with a cup of coffee and share your heart. This must also be scheduled and guarded or it just doesn’t happen. But, it is a very useful tool to lessen the perceived distance between people. For me, it normalizes and makes bearable what would otherwise be unbearable. I mean, I have local “friends” that I don’t sit down with once a week. And yet….long distance ones that I do. So.

And then there’s the part that this picture goes with. This is my back up plan, the fail-safe. If you are local, I feed you. And if you are not, I make things for you. If I give you a thing that I made with my own hands, it is an “I love you” that echoes through space and time.

I know I have spoken about crafting for others before, but this is how I make love that people can touch even when I am not with them. Sometimes I do this randomly, because I am missing a particular person, sometimes I do it because of a specific request. While I am making, I thinking about the recipient. I am wishing them well. I am hoping their dreams come true. I am wanting them to have peace in their soul. I am investing my physical, mental, and emotional energy in their well-being, as surely as if we were having a conversation. I am loving on them just as if I were in the room with them. It’s like face-time but without the immediate reciprocity.

Because reciprocity does not have to be immediate. I know that when my gifts are used, the recipients will think of me and remember that they are dear, precious, loved. They will wish me well, hope that my dreams come true, want me to have peace in my soul. They will love me as surely as if I were in the room with them.

Oh, dear. I just realized I am not making malas, hats, scarves, gauntlets, and socks. I am making portkeys and TARDII.