1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls — they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. PS – I locked all four of ’em in the house. Better wait outside!

In case you want a more traditional home security system, check these articles. Or go straight to the info on guard dogs 😉 Me? I don’t much worry about it. There’s nothing really here to steal.