When you are waiting for something, good or bad, why is it that time just slows to a crawl? I mean, I recognize this is, like, the eternal question, right after “where did I come from”? But I always thought it applied to good stuff, and now I am finding that I was wrong. It doesn’t matter what you are waiting on, and it doesn’t matter if you are wearing one of the fancy Festina watches, or a $6 one from Wal-Mart, you will be checking it, and it will seem to stop.

So why is that? Is it because wen we are waiting, we are so focused on how much time is left? Like this morning, my question is do I have enough, and then when Grandmother was dying, it was “Can I please have more?” combined with ‘Dear Lord, this needs to be over, for her sake.”

You know, I woke up Sunday morning about 3am, with tears on my face. I was dreaming about her death, and in my dream, I was just crying out “no, no, no”. I was on my knees on the floor, but I wasn’t praying. I just couldn’t stand up. Not letting myself grieve like I needed to when she died was probably one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made.

They say that we dream so that our subconscious can deal with things that our waking minds cannot deal with. I hope this is true. And don’t take this personally (you know who you are), but please don’t ever encourage someone to keep up a good front when faced with a cataclysmic event. And don’t assume that it isn’t an issue for them just because it isn’t for you. I wonder if I had cried then, would I still be crying now?

And Dear God help me when my mind decides to tackle Papa and Grandma.

So, I started to write a post here about maternity and the sacrifices and choices we make, and you know what? It turned into a post that should be on my parenting blog, so that’s where I am putting it. Tomorrow, LOL. I went on and on and on about how we ought to pay attention to ourselves, and not give over everything that makes us who we are to our children. So, since that kinda left me sad, I thought I would write here about some of the things that I used to do before kids, or at least before eight kids, and how I plan to go about reclaiming some of that stuff that makes me who I was am.

First off, I used to read. Now, last Friday, I posted my new revised schedule. It’s a loose schedule, and I didn’t come right out and say it, but reading time is built into it by default. Remember that part about moving away from the computer and not coming back until at least 8pm? There will be time to read in there. In fact, I plan to start One Fifth Avenue today. While some of you younger mothers are looking for Japanese Weekend Maternity, I’ll be shopping for books. Mostly on my shelves and at the library, because LORD KNOWS, I have neglected reading for so long that I have at least a 10 year backlog of stuff to read. I don’t need the latest best seller, the one from back in the day will suffice.

I also stopped scrap booking, because I couldn’t leave it long enough to pee without someone getting into it. I’m thinking I could plan spreads, put them in a file box, and then go to the library for a couple hours on Saturday to put them together. The good news is that now that I no longer have to shop for Ingrid and Isabel, I can afford to have my pictures printed again. Especially since my weight isn’t budging and I am not needing the smaller clothes I was really hoping to need 😕

Another thing I quit doing was singing. That’s over, too. See, I had forgotten how much I enjoyed it until that talent show I got coerced into. That multi-headed serpent isn’t going back into it’s box so easily as I might have hoped. No, who am I kidding? I’m loving it. I sang all night Friday (and I do mean all night–it was a youth lock-in, remember?) and then I sang again for an hour last night after baptism. This video from Sunday afternoon is a direct result of my screeching out on the National Anthem at 6am on Saturday. I simply could not allow that to remain un-corrected.

And also, I picked up my old guitar, which I last touched 24 years ago. It’s been at Mama’s house, in my old closet (along with old love letters and my bridal bouquet). It needs new strings, and a new saddle, but I think that’s doable. I have forgotten everything I knew, but I’m giving myself two weeks to be able to pick out a simple tune. Very simple—I only have five strings currently, LOL. I’m planning to rectify that as soon as I can get to a music store. Like right after I hit publish. See, no longer needing stylish maternity wear has it’s benefits, doesn’t it?